


I Mean...He is the God of Volcanoes!

by 100331



Series: Even A God's Gotta Go! [4]
Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Mythology References, Scat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 07:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16760395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100331/pseuds/100331
Summary: Sometimes a bad thing can become a good thing, even a need to take a giant shit.





	I Mean...He is the God of Volcanoes!

If one were to walk up and ask about who the most beautiful people in the world were, they would tell you about the Olympian gods who lived high on Mt. Olympus and how all the gods there were beyond beautiful. However, when mentioning these gods, a familiar name wouldn’t be mentioned, and that was none other than Hephaistos, the god of the forge and fire. He was believed by several to be so hideous and repulsive when he was a babe, that his own cold-hearted mother Hera, threw him off the top of Olympus, minutes after giving birth to him.

The sad truth of such a cruel act was that it wasn’t a legend and that it did happen. His infant legs were crippled the moment the touched the mountain during the fall. But here’s the real truth: Hephaistos wasn’t ugly, he was handsome. The problem was that at birth, his right foot was shriveled and weak, and he was a very hairy and muscular babe. That’s what disgusted Hera so much that she tossed her own son off Olympus. He did fall and crush his legs at the foot of Olympus, which was true, just the part about him being hideous wasn’t true. It’s because all other gods were far more glorious than him and people thought that meant he was ugly.

Fortunately for the baby Hephaistos, the sea goddesses Thetis and Eurynome found him and raised him in their underwater cave. They taught him the art of metalworking, and he learned to craft items so beautiful, that one would wonder why he was thrown away at birth. In time, he grew from a hairy babe to a ruggedly handsome man, with the physique of a lumberjack and, honestly, one hell of a bubble butt. Soon he would be welcomed back to Olympus and be given Aphrodite, the goddess of love, as his wife, even if she was forced to love him.

He was also given a workshop in Mt. Etna, Sicily; three Cyclopes to be his workers, and two moving statues of gold to help him walk. He grew fond of olives indeed and had a large helping of them for lunch and had a few with his supper, as a side dish. Unfortunately, little did he know this was not the greatest decision.

A rather large growl started in his stomach, and the way Hephaistos heard it, you would think he was going to explode, which, well, he was to put it rather bluntly.

“This always happens with the damn olives, but I can’t help it with their delicious taste! Why must those olives cause me this feeling that I have! I need to let loose!”

Feeling the need to use his latrine, and ran over to it, his bouncing glutes following the motions of his running. Hoping he would be relieved of his discomfort, he grew a rather large smile looking forward to his butt being relieved, only to find out...

“Out of Order Till Further Notice!” ~ Brontes 

“Damnit!” Hephaistos screamed, while shaking a fist, his other fist being on his butt, trying not to release.

Although trying not to release, noxious fumes of gas kept escaping his hole, and try as he might this couldn’t be prevented from him.

A small vase of flowers were immediately wilted the moment that the gas fumes coming from his crack wafted into the area. Of course, being a god who really needed to take a shit, this wasn’t even in his sights as a concern of any sort.

The feeling of releasing in the wrong place, at the wrong time was a very strong one in the god’s mind. Finding a latrine, or even a chamber pot, within the area was going to be a tough one. It only grew tougher with each rumbling of the stomach, which in turn led to another release of the toxic, foul-smelling gas coming from his hairy asshole.

Then, as if the Spirit of Daimon itself touched his brain, Hephaistos smirked as he got an idea. “I’m the fucking god of metalworking, I can just make a latrine!” he exclaimed. He waddled to his forge and pounded bronze into the form of a box. When finished he placed a metal plate over the box and carved a whole into the front. He then sat down and screamed, “Fuck that’s hot!” Not realizing that metal didn’t cool as fast as he thought, the heat singed some of Hephaistos’ ass hairs. He pissed a waterfall onto the seat and the heat left. 

After wiping off his urine, Hephaistos stripped naked and sat down. “Nothing like dropping a deuce butt naked!” he thought. Before he could push out a turd, a knock came at his door. 

“Fuck!” cried Hephaistos, as he covered his ass with a cloth. “Come in!”

In came Aphrodite carrying a chest. “Husband, would you mind crafting me some jewelry out of this seashells I found at the beach?” she asked, opening the chest to revealed hordes of conches and scallops. 

“Not at all, my dear” Hephaistos said. 

As soon as Aphrodite left, Hephaistos sighed with relief. “At least I can shit while I work!”

Putting on his apron and a patch over his eye to keep the smoke from harming it, Hephaistos sat on his new latrine and crafted away at the anvil.

It felt as if it was an eternity of smelly gas, but the shit kept coming out of the bubble butt. Hephaistos didn't notice, for the work he was doing on the anvil was much louder than the sounds coming out of the latrine.

However, the mixture of a noxious fume of gas and shit, combined with the sparks led to something...

With a tremendous fart, the latrine cracked in two and Hephaistos screamed, “Shit!” before he could craft a second, screams came into the volcano from the opening at the top. “METHANA IS ERUPTING!” 

“Shit, again!” cried Hephaistos. Thousands upon thousands of prayers came flooding into Hephaistos’ ears. As the volcano god, it was his job to protect the mortals from volcanic eruptions. Now he had two eruptions to deal with! 

Hephaistos fell on his knees, his guts filled with shit and his heart filled with sorrow. He didn’t know what to do…until the Spirit of Daimon came to him once more. Hades had eaten too many pomegranate seeds (AGAIN) and desperate for a latrine, he emptied his bowels into his helmet of invisibility, fortunately he was alone so none witnessed it. The helmet was stained brown from the shit and only a great blacksmith like Hephaistos could fix it. He had already finished fixing it before he devoured the olives that caused his stomachache. 

He quickly donned on the helmet and just grew…and grew…and grew…and grew…and grew, until he was as big as Etna. He climbed out of the volcano and limped to all the way to Athens, there he saw it: Mt. Methana. The god dropped his apron and removed his sandals, and carefully stepped over the villages, he would let not one be crushed. Till he finally got to the volcano and then he squatted over Methana, know fully ready to burst.

A rather loud sound erupted, causing what many thought to be an earthquake. The shit kept flowing out of his bowels, falling into the volcano below. As time went on, the turds kept filling up until finally the volcano stopped.

Despite not having to worry about the volcano, there was a rather unfortunate and unpleasant smell wafted through the air. A final fart escaped from the bubble butt of the god. A sigh of relief followed. Such a sigh of relief, that Hephaistos had failed to notice the odor coming from the volcano.

He picked up his apron, and his sandals, and went on his way back to his home. The residents on the other hand were happy to have the volcano put down, but they weren't too keen on the smell. But then again, who would want to go towards a volcano loaded with shit?


End file.
